Journal-Keeping: Our own Greek Tragedy.

I believe I could pin point every emotional upheaval I have had in my life by the starting of a new journal!

I have always been a very intermittent journal keeper but a consistent hoarder!

With the impending move next month I have started sorting through my notebooks, sketchbooks, journals. The collections of thoughts, ideas, narratives of my life.

Most of the attempts at journals I have begin with some emotional confusion, turmoil, life change.

As interesting as reading over these entries can be, mapping personal progress and all that, it’s also like watching a Greek tragedy at times. Reading the glistening optimism of a fresh start, a new relationship, a blossoming friendship already with the the knowledge of the bitter outcome.

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A few particular excerpts stood out as gut wrenching…

My ex, who I did marry, cheated on me with my best friend who was also their ex (complicated relationship triangles should be avoided at all cost!!) I wrote this in my journal after we had only been dating a few months,

“…I feel like I do want to be with K- I know I do…but at the same time I have to keep reminding myself that we haven’t known each other that long and I always feel like K is hiding something. K is always saying that we seem to be in different places. K likes me and says we have chemistry but worries that things are too complicated. What things?! I know I like K, K likes me. What’s with all this “Oh I like you, but I’m confused, I don’t know, but I do want to be with you!” It just doesn’t make sense!

What I didn’t know was that K still had feelings for S after being broken up for a good few years and as soon as we started dating this made S, my friend, jealous and want K back!

It took me a good few years, a marriage and a very painful breakup to really see the bigger picture, to see how much damage this situation ended up doing me. But thankfully I’m now in recovery!

I read through a few entries of happy go lucky, naive optimism fueled by love and K’s increasing ability to lie!

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But then it stops. No more journal keeping until the week our marriage ended….

“My heart aches, my eyes are sore and well at the thought of K….well not K but the memory of K. At this moment I am very aware that I have been clinging to the past, our past, not just the bad but also the beautiful, how I felt being held by K, K’s smile, finding love I didn’t know was possible. Most of this was left in Melbourne…or during our first separation…or when I found out about K’s relationship on the side with S….or when K broke off our engagement….”.

Yes. 3 years after the first entries about our relationship, the naive confusion, the positive outlook of love will conquer all, after moving countries, getting married, after everything, I was left feeling pretty empty.

I’m never sure whether to part with these books. When my first relationship ended when I was 15 *oh the heartache of a teenager!* I “disposed” of all photographs, all diaries that mentioned their name, CDs, keepsakes, which for a rather sentimental person is very difficult. And actually I came to regret it, not for nostalgic reasons, but as I dated this person for 2 years….there is a quite substantial part of my teenage years with no evidence. There is like a black hole between the ages of 12 and 16….the more interesting teen years!

So because of this I feel like I should hang onto my books, the sporadic tangents of emotional tangles trying to be woven.

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