Out of Balance: A new kind of lonliness

I’ve always been a somewhat sociable person, able to spend time on my own and with others…even when I didn’t really want to.

I learnt at a young age that being perceived as Extroverted was a good piece of armor. That even if life was tough behind closed doors, if you could put on that sexy, I like attention outfit, keep laughing and know most people at the party, you could get by. It’s the oldest trick in the book! Image

But what happens when you can’t be that person any more? When life changes and you can’t distract yourself by being so sociable. Or when you can’t be the instigator anymore and the friends fall away.

I believe in balance. Balance, karma, whatever you want to call it. With the good comes the bad and vice versa. I’ve always tried to be that way…certainly not succeeding when I was younger, but I felt like I was starting to get the hang of it. Be sociable to a certain point but then being in tune enough to myself to know when a rest was needed. A night alone just watching trashy TV and eating as much junk food as possible (cliche I know, although this was also sometimes substituted with mindless

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youtube videos, trying out new makeup “techniques” and taking silly photos or organizing my room as it had been over a month since my last “spring clean”).

I feel like at that point (about 10 months ago) I had got the knack of appeasing both my extroverted and my introverted self. Getting my academic kicks working towards a career I really had a passion for. Socializing by attending pub quizzes, swing dancing, dinner with friends, making the most of my cineworld unlimited card!

Right now my extroverted side has had to be strapped down in a pet carrier on the back seat of my car. (My love of all things ridiculous does like that it’s in a pet carrier!) Ever since I got ill in August, which led to me getting M.E, all of this stopped. The majority of my friends have stopped calling, stopped trying to arrange things, stopped asking how I am….because it’s always the same…I can’t go out, I’m too tired, I’ve got another infection, I’ve been in hospital, I can’t get out of bed, blah blah blah. I know I’m doing it, I get so angry at myself if I hear myself complain that I just don’t. But what else is there to talk about? If I haven’t seen that friend in a while it’s ok because over the course of that month or two some things are bound to have happened, Phoebe our dog will have done something cute, some drama may have happened, but on a week to week basis my life feels very dull, ordinary, uneventful, void of ridiculous humor!

My boyfriend is really great, yeah he annoys me sometimes and drives me up the wall with his inactive listening, but on the whole he is pretty wonderful. Problem is that his job is pretty much a 24/7 deal. That obviously has it’s perks pay wise, but when I haven’t spoke to anyone properly for days…a week…and he can’t sit for 15 minutes and chat while he is eating and instead has to rush back into his office as the server is crashing…it leaves me feeling pretty lonely. My tank of sociable energy for chatting is currently full but no-one to just chat to.

He keeps reminding me that next week we are moving closer to Glasgow, so I can be a bit more sociable (we are currently pretty isolated…minimum drive of 45minutes into a city which for UK is quite a bit…especially with M.E!) I just hope I can remember how to be sociable! Recently, especially with new people like B’s friends, I have felt so socially awkward. My ability to make small talk has definitely decreased a few ranks!

**Must attempt to funnel this new personal angst into creativity!!**

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