So the pretext is: I have this friend…who became a bit more than a friend…but then went back to just being a friend.
It is a very complicated story involving timing, distance and being a jerk!
This was a point in my life when I was living in Melbourne and I was so totally wrapped up in my own emotions and life that I didn’t see what I was doing to others. He was a very good friend, a friend who even after how I treated him, and me leaving the country to come back to the UK, still kept in contact and never mentioned my jerkiness!
But it always bothered me. Every time he was nice, every time we were clearly avoiding talking about either what we did or how I acted afterwards I felt guilty. But of course by this point there was thousands of miles of distance between us and our only communication was via email.
I’ve never known to what extent I upset him, or if he hated me for a while. I don’t know if he ever thought about it or if every time we skirted around mentioning if he flinched like I did.
There were hundreds of moments when I almost did…when I almost brought it up and apologized…but I didn’t. I didn’t know how he would react, I didn’t want to cease talking or remind him what a jerk I had been…so I avoided it.
It’s been almost four years since I left Melbourne, four years since I saw him. For the first 6 months we didn’t speak, but then conversation got going again, I guess when things weren’t so raw. We emailed back and forth sporadically until last summer when it really dwindled; seemingly not for any reason other than after being physically out of each others lives for so long it becomes very hard to keep going.
Since last summer I have been doing lots of reflecting on people who are or have been in my life and who, through my inconsistent living (moving from one place to the next), have been hurt (or through my jerkiness)! So finally I came to a head space where I was ready to send that dreaded email, the long overdue apology.
In someways I think this part is even harder than sending the email. I know he received it. It has been done. It’s now almost been a week and I have heard nothing in return.
Which is fine. It’s totally cool. I was in the right place to say sorry….but maybe he wasn’t in the right place to hear it. A busy week. Not ready to talk about it. Angry that this is the first thing I’ve said to him since November…the first time I’m mentioning it at all, maybe all these years he thought I’d forgot *shrugs*
I know for me this summer is fast becoming the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life. The sale of my old flat is finally going through, clearing debts and cutting ties to the area I grew up in. We are moving to Ireland to try and more rustic, back to basics lifestyle (while enjoying new and exciting cities!) making progress with writing my novel…and so in turn I am trying to lay to rest unresolved issues with people too.
I guess now I’m trying to accept that there is no way to know or control how another person deals with you asking for forgiveness. There is no time limit on it (especially when separated by continents), no restrictions or conditions, it just is what it is. I may wait another week, a month or years to hear back. I may never hear from him again…which will be upsetting but at least he know’s I’m sorry.