Body image…self-confidence…I’ve always found it really hard. But right now it’s almost unbearable.
I got a chronic illness just over a year ago, this pretty much left me bed ridden for months at a time. I’m so thankful that I’ve found more of a balance now, I’m still fighting my internal nature of having a tendency to slightly over-do things, but on the whole I’m able to function better. I walk round the entire supermarket without being crippled for the next two days. I went swimming for the first time this week in….a long time… and while part of my over achieving brain was scoffing me for only doing 10 laps another part of my brain that recalls more recent history commends my achievement.
I’m constantly trying to remind myself of all these little accomplishments, unfortunately there is a part of me which will never be happy until I can live like I used to.
This gets me onto the body confidence aspect. Thanks to my new balanced lifestyle there is less focus on whether or not I can perform the most basic of daily tasks, like getting out of bed, showering, cooking. So now this focus has shifted onto the debris left behind thanks to not being able to do very much for over a year. Which makes sense, my brain has been so focused on the constant pain, or trying to stay awake or just not rotting from boredom, so all the other things were just glossed over.
I made my peace a while ago with being a “curvy lady”, someone always on the larger end of the size scale despite not having much of a belly and very muscular legs.
In this last year though, I’ve gained a lot of fast weight. You know, the kind that is put on really quickly over a short space of time and causes stretch marks. Yeah, those.
I want to be ok with being patient. I want to be ok going swimming a few times a week, doing some yoga, eating healthier, and knowing that the weight will slowly drop off. I want to be ok with this as I know there is no other way for me to do it. I know I still don’t have the energy to work out like crazy. My system can’t handle extreme dieting thanks to all the medication I have to take, so I know the small portions of healthy food is the only way to go.
I know all of this. But it doesn’t seem to make it any easier.
I know I’m not young young anymore, but I’m still relatively young and to have your body completely fail you is so heartbreaking. I started thinking of my body as something abstract from myself. There was no real cause for my condition other than my body was broken, so there was nothing to be angry at other than my body. So I was already pretty miffed at it, it stopped my life for a long while, so to then be gaining that life back and to have to start picking up the pieces from the big mess it made, is pretty hard.
I’ve never been a patient person, which is one of the reasons I ended up with this condition, but this may be the hardest test of my patience and will power yet.
So my projections of thoughts are that I will be kinder to my body, more patient with it and understanding. To stop allowing my emotions reduce me to an irrational wreck at the thought of having to pick out clothes. And to be thankful that I can lie out in the sun with Phoebe our dog, after throwing a ball about, after having a bath and actually drying my hair, all after going swimming, which is huge.