I couldn’t imagine having my birthday at any other time of year. Christmas does indeed make it feel like it’s birthday time. But as my birthday comes to a close I have to say, it completely sucks.
I have a bad record with birthdays. Whether it’s teenage fights with parents, a relationship breaking up, or just the feeling of being forgotten. But it’s become a pattern to have the birthday blues.
All I’ve ever wanted is to really feel special on my birthday- I think that’s fundamentally what birthdays are about. I mean, people have birthday parties, parties designed to simply celebrate that this person has made it another year and that all these people attending are happy about it.
I’ve never had one. Sure as a kid my mum would have family members over and we’d have a cake, but then it would be right back to being excited for Christmas day.
As a teenager I attended countless birthday gatherings, whether it was a cinema trip and a meal or a disco, a house party or paintball. On my birthday I was Lucky if I saw a friend or two.
As an adult birthdays become a bit less of a “thing” some choose to organize a party or are lucky enough to have a party thrown for them. Some have partners who will organize a romantic surprise for them.
Over the years friends have suggested I have a party….or partners have tried to do something or other to make it a nice day…but it always comes down to the fact that it is Christmas eve and people are busy. People are rushing about with last minute preparations for the big day, or spending time with family or just to poor to do anything having spent every last penny they have on Christmas.
Even those I class as good friends are sometimes so busy that they forget to wish my happy birthday, or send a card.
Sometimes partners have had so much else going on, so many other expenses, that a birthday gift has been overlooked and left to the last minute…and ends up leaving me disappointed when comparing it to what I did for their birthday.
Every year at least one person suggests I change my birthday.
I can’t help feeling childish and ungrateful to want to wake up to breakfast in bed surrounded by balloons and cards. To spend the day being pampered then have a big birthday bash full of friends having a joyous night.
Maybe I’ve watched too many TV shows or movies, maybe I am a petulant child, maybe I should just wanting what I can’t have.
Today is the day when that annoying, cynical, confidence destroying voice in my head is her loudest of all. Today she just sits back and says “See…clearly you don’t really have friends, nobody really cares, and you are all alone”.
Next year I want to be able to prove her wrong.