On Dating and Poly

How do you go about it when you’re polyamorous? What are the benefits and the pitfalls? Some folk think that it must be brilliant to go on dates with new people all the time and others wonder how poly folk find the time/energy for such things. This month some of our writers discuss their own situations and offer some advice for non-monogamous folk looking to meet new people.- Poly Means Many

Written in response to the monthly theme on Poly Means Many: Dating

My partner and I entered into our relationship as a Poly couple. We were both dating other people at the time, who were also Poly. The timing was right and we just fell into it.

This was grand for around 8 months, but our other relationships fell apart (for non-poly related reasons) and we found ourselves in a Poly relationship alone.

Life happens, as it is likely to do, and dating wasn’t really on the cards for a while…work, location, health etc. Now we find that we have spent more time living as a seemingly Mono couple than as the original Poly couple. This has given us a lot of chance to work out the theory behind our relationship direction but now for the hard stuff…putting it into practice!

I’ve been out of the dating world for a while now, but the conditions which stopped us from dating previously are starting to clear up.

A couple of months ago I joined OkCupid, to test the waters.


It seems that the mainstream, from my angle, is becoming more and more vocal about these alternative relationship types….and by that I mean the Huff Post…

Huff Post on Open Relationships

Huff Post on Poly Relationships



With all this info flying around out there I figured, surely, that one of the biggest dating websites would have plenty of folk who were tuning into this lifestyle.


Oh yes, sure, I got plenty of messages, what woman doesn’t on there? *Seriously guys, change your gender and photo and you’ll see!*

If I was looking for casual hookups or someone to leave my partner for then sure, there are plenty there. Most messages don’t quite understand Poly and just assume I’m on there to images-1cheat on my partner *sigh* apparently Poly= Easy sex

As it stands, I’ve been on a couple of dates with one guy who turned out to be a nutter…

I’m incredibly lucky to be friends with other Poly people who do run events and meet ups to get people together, and I think I’ll be sticking to those kind of events in future.

Don’t get me wrong, everyone has to start somewhere, you may never have known that Poly was an option instead of Monogamy, and when you do find out, a bright light should go ping and suddenly life makes more sense and  you see why you’ve been struggling with relationships up until now…if you are really Poly that is!

It is a difficult topic in many regards.

The simple view of Poly: You have multiple partners.

Complex View: Poly is different for every person. Yes you have multiple partners, but you may subscribe to the Poly hierarchy, like I do, whereby you have a primary partner who you may live with and share everything with. Then have secondary partners whereby you see them less frequently and only share certain parts of your life with (mainly restricted by time). But you may subscribe to the equal Poly where all of your partners are on the same standing and you try to spend as much time with each of them.

Some people really do just have multiple sexual partners. Some people have different partners for different things. It just depends on the person.

So yeah, it can sound confusing. But hopefully, if you hit it off with someone, you can come to an agreement which keeps everyone happy. This only happens if you put communication at the forefront of any Poly dynamic.

I am still hopeful that we can expand our relationships soon. The dating world is treacherous for everyone, being Poly just adds another element to this, it doesn’t make it any easier. I guess the more people are talking about it, and the more people who come out as Poly the easier things will get.

-Auburn xx


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