About three years ago, a counsellor I was seeing advised that as well as anxiety it sounded like I had ADD. She recommended I get “tested” and seek medication to help. I told her I didn’t want to do that.
Yes I struggle to focus, even on things I want to do and enjoy. Yes I have trouble keeping track of my thoughts and often get overwhelmed as I feel that my life can get out of hand very quickly (which isn’t the case). Yes I have erratic mood dips and highs. Yes I struggle to remember conversations, or rather who said what and when. Yes I take on an abundance of projects then never finish them. And yes I feel stressed by life pretty much all the time.
But no, I don’t want help. I can manage.
So she gave me information and we talked through coping strategies. I started keeping a very detailed calendar and writing a to-do list pretty much every day. Also having a partner that understands that I sometimes need to talk through seemingly the most mundane things in order to straighten my brain out, helps.
But three years on and I’m still really feeling the toll.
I’ve kept up with my calendar, and my lists, and the talking things through. Which is fine, if I don’t go out often or work or study…
But seeing as my overall physical health has improved and I’m living a fuller life again…I’m feeling the strain.
I currently have two books in progress and three other ones in the developing stages. I don’t blog as much as I mean to. I don’t write reviews for Yelp as often as I want to. And yet I’ve just committed to writing for two other sites, which yay awesome, but dang.
And the scrapbook I was meant to put together after buying all the stuff to do it.
And then there is the social commitments I readily take on because I Want To. I enjoy it and feel like on a good day they are things well within my capabilities.
Over the years I watched countless videos and read dozens of articles on the rise in ADD/ADHD and how it is more a cultural epidemic that we (but we I’m using the writers perspective, so aka Americans) are over medicating. Which I agreed with, and think on some level I still do.
But maybe it’s got to the breaking point for me, where the scales of taking an intellectual stand against over medicating and my inability to live the life I want have tipped.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I’m terrified (thanks anxiety….also untreated). I’m worried he will not take me seriously and dismiss me as a lazy millennial, and worried that he will take me seriously and give me new medication which will alter my brain. I can’t win. Maybe I will. I guess I’ll have to wait and see.
Thanks for listening.