Coming out as Poly

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com.

Where to start?

Well, I guess when I first decided to try Poly that would be my coming out story. A few friends knew about it as there was no way I could hide a whole other relationship. But I was selective about who I talked to even then.

At the time I was wanting to be as open as possible with those close to me. So I told my parents.

My two partners and I did a rode trip down to Newcastle for the day. It was sunny and we allIMG_0629 loved Careoke 😛 I knew my dad and step-mum weren’t totally comfortable but I figured the best thing to do was act like it was the most normal thing in the world. Which to me it truly felt that way, even though socially I know its not.

My girlfriend took cupcakes and my boyfriend took flowers. It was all very sweet. They all chatted, we sat in the garden, and had dinner together. There were questions. But mostly it was just a nice afternoon. I think the main issue was that they just couldn’t get their heads around it. They still thought that I was just casually dating two people and would choose one to stay with in the long term. I suppose the fact that we were all friends and liking hanging out together made that a little bit more confusing.

IMG_0547That is about as far as I went with coming out. I didn’t really publicise it online, and kept the numbers that knew to a minimum. I’m not sure why. An easier life I guess. Especially when I moved to just having the one partner, although we still classed ourselves as Poly, it just felt like a redundant conversation to be having.

In a lot of ways, blogging about Poly is my coming out story! Since we moved back to Scotland and have been actively looking to date again, it’s a more relevant topic. Plus, similar to the Bi Visibility movement, I want to help raise awareness through talking about my own experiences. In the ten years since leaving school Bisexuality has gone from being completely accepted as a fad of indecisive people, to having it’s own hashtag! I’m not saying that the discrimination against Bisexuality is gone, not in the slightest, but it’s a huge improvement. Hopefully with the internet it won’t take 10 years for Poly to be the same 🙂

So yes, this is all very new to me, the thought that any one of the acquaintances, family members, friends who read my blog may have read about my ‘lifestyle’ choice. It is a little daunting. But then I just remember that if they are interested, curious, confused, they could message me and chat about it. And if they chose to not do that then that’s on them. IMG_0614

It still baffles me as to why other peoples relationships concern other people. And why do people specifically have a problem with Poly? It seems to be that people see it as ‘undermining’ monogamy. There is the constant rhetoric that men especially find monogamy hard (it’s definitely not just true of men!) and it seems that by Poly folk
acknowledging that and doing something about it, they are chastised. As though we are taking the easy road, validating the supposed flaws of everyone who cannot refrain from cheating in mono relationships. Believe me, cheating is certainly not “allowed” in that sense in Poly relationships as in Mono relationships. But that’s for another discussion.

So here’s to coming out of the Poly Cupboard 🙂 It’s a bit more official now. It been quite daunting, but I haven’t experienced any negative feedback as of yet!

I have friends who have said, Hum that’s interesting, I couldn’t do it. Or friends who have gone, Ooohh that sounds interesting, tell me more. And others who just haven’t commented. I’m very lucky that within my circle it’s not unusual, or maybe my circle has narrowed to those of the same persuasion. Either way, I’m a happy camper so far.

-Auburn xx

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